We all have them: those deep, dirty secrets that we hope our friends and families never, ever find out for fear of embarrassment or banishment to some far-away island. These shameful secrets are the games hiding in your collection that you rush to conceal when people come over and say that they belong to your little sister if you’re found out. But come on, little sisters don’t get 100% completions and unlock all the hidden secrets, do they? No, they don’t. Despite the pride we have for all the other great games on our shelves, these are the top 10 we hope you’ll never find if you’re visiting – in fact, we’ll make sure you don’t.
10 – The Sims
If you’re reading this then you’re alive (congratulations). If you’re alive, then you have a life full of possibility, wonder, and opportunity. But who needs all that when you can control every whim of a soulless, digital automaton? You can even make them pee themselves - everyone thinks that’s funny, right?
9 – Angry Birds
Ok, this one ain’t so bad. Maybe you’re trying to kill some time on the bus, at work, or while waiting for a friend to finish giving their Sims a bath. But like most games of its ilk, Angry Birds has that addicting quality that turns one level into two and then into a night up playing with your cell-phone. Its one thing to get a few stars here and there, but getting them all in all seven Angry Bird games? Yeah, you should probably keep that to yourself.
8 – Harvest Moon
Sometimes getting back down to earth is a good thing. Taking a moment to enjoy the simple things in life is good for both your mood and your mental well-being. On the other hand, re-creating the simple things in life with complex computers and micro-processors might be defeating the purpose a bit.
7 – Kingdom Hearts
It’s perfectly acceptable to be young at heart. Keeping in touch with some childhood favorites such as the worlds of Disney shouldn’t be something that adults get teased for, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. However, be warned: if someone walks in on one of Kingdom Hearts’ notoriously cheesy cutscenes rife with teen mellow drama, angst, and Goofy-ness, you’ll probably get a few glances thrown your way.
6 – Katamari Damaci
Take my advice: if you want people to think you’re a sane individual whose mind isn’t amused just by bright colors, loud sounds, and cosmic-craziness, don’t let anyone catch you playing this game.
5 – Wii Fit
Now it’s pretty hard to hide a Wii Balance Board; it’s big, it’s heavy, and it’s a healthy sheen of white, but keeping it out of sight when your pals come over for some Call of Duty action is probably a good idea. And if they find it under all those winter boots? “Oh it’s ok, it’s my mom’s!” And if they find your save profile and how many times you’ve done the Hula-Hoops? Then run for it - you should be in good enough shape to outrun them now anyway.
4 – Manhunt
“Hey, what is this? Oh my god! What are you playing!?” Get used to hearing this as you stealthily stalk and bludgeon your prey to death with screwdrivers, plastic bags, and clubs.
3 – Those Pokémon Games
Catch someone playing Pokémon X/Y? Give them thumbs up! Catch someone playing Poképark or Mystery Dungeon? Shake your head in shame. The difference in quality between the mainline Pokémon games and it’s spinoffs is often staggering, with the handheld RPGs being among the best in their genre and nearly all the spinoffs being either boring, repetitive, or just plain bad.
2 – World of Warcraft
Let me be clear: unlike 3GEM’s other Alex, I actually quite enjoy World of Warrant (read his thoughts on the MMO juggernaut here). I still have a subscription and will be picking up Warlords of Draenor when it releases. But when I say to people “oh yeah, I still play Wow!” I get funny looks and the obligatory “still?” Maybe it is time that I move on to newer and better MMOs, but in the mean time I’m still happy with my Orc Warrior and Night Elf Rogue. Based on all the comments I’ve received, if you still enjoy raiding, you might want to keep it between you and your Guild.
1 – Animal Crossing
I have a problem. In real life I have a job, I pay rent, and I regularly help my friends with projects and chores. So why is it that after a hard day of life I come home, fire up my 3DS, and make virtual-Alex do it all over again? The worst part? I’ve almost completed my museum collection, have the biggest house, and have over 5 million bells in savings (my real bank account could only dream of that many bells). This is a game that people can be merciless about if they find out you play it – just ask my girlfriend.
Do you have any dirty gaming secrets? Let us know in the comments below.